For the sake of us, I will put my pride aside and admit I am scared. You see, behind this smile I have grown weak and I can no longer hold up the weight of this facade and pretend like everything’s okay. Because I am scared. I am scared to death of losing you. My eyes are dry from tears of frustration because I am trying; I am trying my best to hold on to you but you are like water, escaping my grip, slipping through my fingers, You are formless. So who am I kidding; you need to be free and I can hold you no longer. Nor can I run with you, my dear. You see, me trying to keep pace with you will surely blind me from the beauties of life. But wait – please wait before you speak; just let me try to explain. These past years I have been chasing you endlessly. So excuse me if I am tired,but my feet have grown numb. Please, do not beat yourself down, because you are not to blame for any of this. Your elusiveness captivated me, your aura was something magnetic. The mere thought of you alone blurs the outside world and sends you flying into the center of mine. But I was so naive, running on a treadmill with my eyes closed, thinking we were getting somewhere. I mean – god damn – it felt like it. But I guess that is the illusion of love, or better yet, infatuation.
But you know what, I loved every single second of it – every memory we shared has been precious, and still manages to bring a smile to my life-worn face. No matter how much my body tries to reject it.
That is what I noticed, when I found myself at Paul Smith’s once again. It was almost a feeling of relief, that it is ok if I can’t run besides you – don’t worry about me, keep running and don’t you ever stop.
But I do really need to tell you that, I mean it is what you do. Perhaps one day I will catch up to you. Time.
Jaquan Harris attended Paul Smith’s College from Fall 2014 through Spring 2015. He is currently living in the Bronx, NY, working with the art education nonprofit Urban Arts Partnership, and planning to finish his education at SUNY Purchase, where he will study creative writing.
Earlier this month, Jaquan Harris – stage name is Charlie Summers – came back to PSC and, along with four other poets, did a performance in the Bobcat (part of their Proceed With Caution tour). The poem above – a reflection on time and time’s passage – was inspired by his experience of being back on this campus.
