By Autumn Rock
As an American, it is my duty to vote for the next president of the United States. However, I prefer to make an informed decision on who I vote for, which is why I watched the debates between the Republican nominee Donald Trump, and the Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. During the second debate, I noticed something odd about Trump. Not his policies, by any means, as I’ve come to expect those from the radical right lately. It is the fact that he sniffed the air so goddamn much. I began to wonder what caused him to act in such a strange way, so I came up with some ideas. Then, I realized that it is because of those reasons that this man should not be President of the United States.
The first reason I could come up with is the most obvious: Trump did a line of cocaine with Tim Allen immediately before taking stage. We don’t need a President who has such a horrendous taste in actors. Besides, Nicolas Cage is by far a better actor to do cocaine with. Other than his bad taste, I believe this is the reason that Trump hates Mexico so much. He’s jealous. Trump understands that he has a cocaine problem, and by building a wall on the southern border, he can help end a massive influx of Mexican cocaine to the American public, so they don’t all end up being druggies like him. This would cause the American population to find a way to make a cocaine of equal quality and potency to the Mexican cocaine they’re used to. Doing so would cost thousands of American lives in overdoses. With drugs already being a problem in America, this is not needed. The citizens that did, however, make the best cocaine would have the President in the pocket. Being an addict, there is no price Trump wouldn’t pay for the finest nose candy he could get his hands on.
The second reason is that Trump had a cold, the common cold. We don’t need a leader who is susceptible to such a thing. The common cold is an ailment of the common man, hence the word “common.” We do not need a leader who is comparable to the common man. If the common man were the leader, this would be a communist country, and we all know that’s bad. Also, if our leader is ill, the other countries of the world would think that we as a nation were weak. Other countries would begin attacking us, seeing us as the weakest link in the global food chain of power. We would lose our respect in world and become that one person at the party that no one wants there. France would snicker to England, “Ew, who invited America?” and we would be forced to do the Cotton Eye Joe alone on the dance floor. We do not need a leader who would do that to us. That level of shame is inexcusable.
The third reason is that he was smelling to see if his spray tan was dry yet. Trump is a man of such great orange stature that it almost can’t be real. A skin tone that orange simply is not human, so much so in fact that it leaves to believe that he isn’t. As the conspiracy theorists will tell you, that government has, and forever will be, in contact with extraterrestrials. The government has struck a deal with a reptilian alien race, trading information in return for one of them becoming the leader of this great country. Given that he is an alien, that explains Trump’s view on the environment. He is trying to change our world into one where he can more comfortably live and reproduce. The government agreed to do so and gave the alien a costume that is only active when a spray tan is present. The government approved an all-out alien invasion, and I complained about Ted Cruz being from Canada? Trump isn’t even from this solar system. He doesn’t even go here.
The sniffing is such a minute detail that most people wouldn’t even notice it, but I noticed. I know your reasons for doing so, Trump. I know what those reasons would do to this country and I cannot allow you to do this. The consequences for outweigh the little bit of positivity you are offering, and American will soon know. I’m onto you, lizard lips.
Autumn Rock is a Communications major at PSC. She enjoys listening to music, making puns, and writing short stories.